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现在是 他们赐我的

这是迟来的妈妈文。

如果太煽情, 可以自动跳过。

日复一日,手中的女娃娃也长大成人成为人妻。

我像是披着大人的婚纱给父母敬成人之礼的女娃娃,我哭了。 那是一个象征我出阁的仪式。

有记忆以来,父母的职业我并没有什么羞耻还是觉得丢脸。相反我也不去比较,也没什么好比较。 父母不是什么富裕的金山还是银山, 甚至也不是一般的父母有着固定稳定收入来养活我。 当然可能也试过很穷有一餐没一餐。 但是从来,学费都没有迟上缴。 知识与教育很重要。 那是我从小被灌输。 父母很辛苦, 尤其妈妈。 爸爸不善理财,左手进右手出。

妈妈做过很多半日制工作甚至可以一天分几轮的兼差。 她是清洁女工,杂饭档的帮手, 做月饼工人, 晚上洗碗女工。 到后来我不需要她当我娃娃照顾, 她在一家小小的卖衣店打工;晚上依然会去洗碗。

因为环境关系, 父母吵架都会围绕在金钱上。妈妈特别怕我以后会像她一样落得一个“熬”; 小时候试过大半夜妈妈带着我离家出走,去亲戚家,可以想象半夜被叫醒换上校服露夜跑去亲戚家。 然后有一次吵得比较严重, 爸爸只能在学校见我。隔着篱笆, 虽然我还很小,但是我知道相必爸爸一定惹妈妈很生气。 

这样离家出走的日子慢慢离我远去, 就在我告别了小学,步入中学。 我也开始打工,赚取点零用钱。 然后就一直维持到大学毕业。 家里的环境也慢慢改善。 基本的生活开销, 家里没有去过旅行, 外吃也不过是小摊贩,没有上过餐馆, 全家卑微的收入,日子还是过得去。 也许是知足的心态,所以也养成现在的我,不会特别要求什么。 

熬过我大学毕业,步入社会,一开始少过2千块的薪水, 后来熬一熬,遇上贵人提拔辗转,收入增加,养家的担子一点一点卸在我身上。 小时候没有全家没有做过的都一一实行中。 每个人的时间不一样, 而我总算有能力为我们三人改写了命运。 我希望今天以后日子会越来越好。

妈妈事到如今还是会埋怨爸爸。 但是,夫妻之间不是我身为女儿能够三言两语替他们解开心结, 尤其双方是我的父母。 妈妈在电话那头,感叹说了一句,当初我毕业,她很希望我带她离开。 但是后来爸爸患癌,她却认为一切都是时间在惩罚。 我重来没有想过妈妈会如此的诠释爸爸的生病。 也学这样想, 她的心里会好过。 她在爱与恨中游走。其实我也以为她很脆弱,也许真正不堪一击是我。 

我问了妈妈, 难道她觉得自己不好命, 才遇上这些风雨吗?
她弱弱回我,现在是我给她 的。

很久以前, 我不懂也不了解亲情。 因为父母都会关注我。 像是与生俱来,不需要去祈求还是刻意讨好。 我很诚心去每间大大小小的庙里焚香许愿。 却发现, 供奉诸位神佛, 不如好好孝顺家里两老。

现在, 不是我给他们的, 而是还他们的, 报恩的。 我拥有的都是父母赐予我的祝福。

没有当初他们的养育之恩,我何来如今的孝顺他们呢。

电话另一头沉默了。 我也不继续了。 

从前我披上护甲要当个坚强的人来保护父母; 如今我才知道有勇气去面对自己, 接受自己的弱点才能真正保护到他们。





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